Once I had multiple personalities, but now WE are feeling well.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute.
I used to be indecisive, Now I'm not sure.
The best thing about being schizophrenic is that I'm never ALONE
Just because you are paranoid, doesn't mean people aren't out to get you!
Hypochondria is the only illness that I don't have.
Great Patients
In a psychiatrist's waiting room, two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, "Why are you here?".
The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here."
The first is curious and asks, "How do you know that you're Napoleon?"
The second responds, "God told me I was."
At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "NO I DIDN'T!"
Depression No More
A young took her troubles to a psychatrist. "Doctor, you must help me", she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then agterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see" nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."
"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."
Slight Difference
What is the difference between a psychologist and a magician? a psychologist pulls habits out of rats!
At The Very Beginning
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem", the doctor said "so perhaps, you should start at the very beginning".
"Of course" replied the patient. "In the beginning the heavens and the earth..."
Short Cut
Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.
A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing, I'm cured!"
"That's a great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "You seem to be doing much better, how?"
"I went to see another doctor" Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"
"One?" the psychoanalystasks incredulousty
"Yeah" continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviourist"
"A behaviourist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"
"Oh east" says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off my bed"
